Embarrassment Without Witnesses: A Lesson in Self-Compassion
I had a race about an hour south of home. I’d been to the location before, but somehow, I got lost. Not once—but twice. I went to the wrong address, then a second wrong address, and by the time I realized my mistake, it was too late. I never made it to the starting line.
Sitting in my car, frustration hit first, then the tears came. I was so upset, and when I asked myself why, the answer surprised me—I was embarrassed. But embarrassed of what? No one else was there. No one saw me mess up. Yet, I still felt it so deeply.
Chris Voss once said, "People would rather die than be embarrassed." It sounds extreme, but in many ways, it’s true. Embarrassment triggers a primal fear—a deep-seated need to avoid rejection, judgment, or looking incapable. It’s not just about the
mistake itself; it’s about what we think it says about us.
That’s the tricky thing about embarrassment—it’s not always about being watched or judged by others. Often, it stems from within. It’s about our own expectations, the way we imagine things going, the plan we set in our minds. And when reality doesn’t match, it can feel like failure, even when there’s no actual judgment involved.
We are often our own harshest critics. But what if we saw embarrassment differently? What if it wasn’t a reflection of failure but a moment that reveals our inner narratives—the way we tie self-worth to performance, perfection, and control? Maybe embarrassment isn’t something to fear or avoid, but an opportunity to understand ourselves better, to challenge the stories we tell ourselves, and to embrace the messy, human experience of imperfection.
Reframing Embarrassment: How to Move Forward
Instead of letting embarrassment define us, we can shift how we respond to it:
Acknowledgment – Recognize embarrassment for what it is—a temporary emotion, not a reflection of your worth. Accept the feeling rather than resisting it.
Reframing – Mistakes aren’t failures; they’re simply moments. Try to see them as learning experiences rather than proof of inadequacy.
Self-compassion – Speak to yourself with kindness. If a friend made the same mistake, would you judge them harshly? Probably not. Treat yourself with the same grace.
Humor and Ownership – Sometimes, owning the moment and laughing about it takes away its power. Embarrassment fades faster when we embrace it rather than hide from it.
Growth Perspective – Every embarrassing moment is evidence that you're engaging with life, taking risks, and stepping outside your comfort zone. If you never felt embarrassment, it might mean you're playing too small.
Embarrassment isn’t a sign that we’ve failed—it’s a sign that we care, that we’re showing up, that we’re putting ourselves out there. And maybe, just maybe, that’s something to be proud of.